Back to school...

I have definitely not been keeping up my end of the bargain and updating the blog very often.  I constantly find little tidbits of neat mommy information, too, but I forget to log-on and share.

News in my world is that I started a job at Stanford mid-August.  We found a fantastic home daycare in Foster City where Linus learns and plays and dances every day.  It's the perfect place for him at this age.

He turned 16 months last week.  A lot of the kids at his daycare are about 2 or 2.5, which is fantastic.  He loves following them around and watching them play.  There are also a lot of boys, which is great for Linus because he's a rough and tumble kind of kid.  He's really physical, climbing on everything.

One of my co-workers has a nanny for her little 4-month-old.  We were chatting and I was realizing that having a nanny or a tiny daycare is really the way to go when you have a baby.  When Linus was tiny, we had him at a very small daycare.  When he started, there was only one other baby in the infant room, so he had a ton of individual attention.  He needed that at 4 months.  He needed to be carried around and hugged and nurtured.

When he started moving around the world, first crawling and then walking, he quickly became interested in how to conquer the next physical advancements.  He started watching other kids a lot to see what they did, and then he started to try those things.  When he turned a year, especially, I realized that he needed to be around other kids.  This was problematic when we were a one-income family in the Bay Area, because we didn't have a lot of money to throw around at toddler activities.  We went to the local libraries for baby story times on a regular basis, and we went to mommy-baby yoga and pilates classes (thank you, Groupon!).  But these weren't really the right places for him to explore his physicality.

This was around the time when I realized it was time for me to head back to work so I could get the adult interaction I desperately craved, and he could get the kid interaction that he needed.  In June, I interviewed for and accepted this position at Stanford Med, which I started in August.  We spent July looking for the right fit of a daycare, and found it rather quickly.

Linus started daycare half-time the week before I started work.  And he thrived.  He was so ready.  The first day I brought him in, he just let go and sailed into the crowd of faces and toys.  For a couple days after that, he remembered that I was leaving, so he was clingy and sad, but it took him no time after my departure for him to be smiling and happy again.  We arranged it so that my husband would drop him off in the mornings and I would pick Linus up in the afternoons when I started work.  At the end of Linus' first full-time week at daycare, he was pushing my husband away and running into daycare to go play with the kids when he got dropped off.

He was ready.  And I'm so grateful that I've found a great opportunity that I was ready for.

I'm working for a brilliant, optimistic, supportive, fantastic orthopaedic surgeon as a biostatistician.  It's really more of an epidemiologist position, which I am glad about.  While I'm not working in epigenomics, which I do miss, I've found a boss who wants me to push myself in the ways that I want to be pushed.  She wants me to find myself and make a career as I want it, and she's willing to give me the tools and resources I need to get the job done.  It's going well so far!

Kitchen helper

My friends have a marvelous device that is basically a glorified stool. It allows their toddler daughter to reach the kitchen counter and help with meal prep, but keeps her safe from falling by being enclosed. Of course,  I wanted one. There are a few different brands of them, and they're all about $200 brand new. Yikes.

I don't want one $200 worth of badly.  So I've been checking Craigslist randomly for the last few months. And yesterday one was finally listed. So I jumped on it and now I have one.

I got it home and put Linus on it. It's the perfect height,  and the platform adjusts so he's even allowed to grow.  

Of course,  within 5 minutes of being on it, he realized it's the perfect construct for him to climb atop the kitchen counter. The shapes on its sides are perfect footholds. Nooooo!

A productive day

This is how we cook dinner when we have to. Sometimes, little boys just need to be held,  even when their mom's hands are busy.

In other news,  today was a very productive day. It's as if I were channeling my own mom! I had a breakfast date with a friend, got Linus down for a long nap where I got some valuable "me" time (yes, I caught up on old TV shows), I went to Costco and Safeway.  I followed that up by taking myself and the dog for a run, with a stop at the kid park to exercise the toddler. I even took a shower this morning, did a load of laundry, and washed most of our dirty dishes. Huzzah!

Now, I've started dinner and am waiting for the hubs to come join us. Then it's baby bedtime, and hopefully some time watching TV with the hubs.

Things I find in my washer #3

Found inside my washer: one sippy cup. Perhaps the washer is confused for the kitchen sink.

Things I find in my washer #2

Yesterday,  I found my cell phone. Luckily I discovered it before I started the laundry.

Today, I found one wooden block. Just one. And I didn't find it until I heard clunking in the dryer.

Viva la Revolucion

Jon and I have been talking about getting a running stroller off and on since Linus was born.  When Linus was first born, it didn't even make sense to have a stroller at all because I always had Linus in my Ergo Carrier.  The only times that Linus went in his stroller (which I had gotten as a hand-me-down from a girl at work) when he was an itty bitty baby were when my mom was in town and would stroller him on over to daycare in the morning.

When Linus turned about 6 months old and was still in the 90th percentile for weight, I started occasionally pushing him in the stroller.  This became more common as he got older, and especially after we moved to California.  The stroller is a fantastic way to travel because Linus can really look around and check out the world.

Somewhere in April or early May, Jon convinced me to start running with him.  Running means that I get the dog and Jon pushes Linus in the stroller and the whole family, sans cats, goes out for 3 or 4 miles around Foster City.  This was fine.  Our old, trusty stroller made the journey, but it certainly wasn't the best device for running.

So, I saw a woman in the Foster City Parents Club had her Bob Stroller for sale and I jumped on it.  I had wanted a Bob, in particular, because the reviews I've read and heard from friends have been fantastic.  These strollers start around $400 new, so grabbing a pre-loved stroller was perfect, especially since Linus is already 1 and isn't going to want to be riding in strollers forever.

We got the Bob a couple of weeks ago and, man, it is AMAZING.  I highly recommend every parent of young'uns to hop on the Bob train.  Having a stroller that has wheels that are actually filled with air to provide a nice, stable ride is great for anyone taking long walks or runs.  It goes over dirt, rocks, etc. just fine, whereas our other stroller provided a bumpy ride.  Plus, the larger tires make everything easier, and it's definitely more lightweight than our other stroller.  It even folds up really easily.

I occasionally use my other big stroller still, but the Bob is quickly becoming my stroller of choice.  Linus even falls asleep comfortably in the Bob, as he's exhibited on a few occasions.

The only issue I've found so far with the Bob is that, because the tires inflate, you can pop them!  I had to replace a tube in one of my wheels because I drove over something the other day.  But, it's a $10 part and takes 20 minutes worth of work to replace, and it shouldn't happen very often.

Things my son doesn't need to know when he's older

Linus has entered the period of time when he things drinking from a cup is so cool. If he finds a cup around the house,  he'll try to drink from it,  even if there's nothing in it.

He has cups he likes to play with in the bathtub. So, of course,  sometimes he drinks the bath water.

Not a big deal, except he still sometimes pees in the bathtub......

Words to my son #1

Gems scolded to my son today:

"Ow! Don't bite the boob that feeds you! "

"While onions have layers,  the peel is not the part we eat! "

Things I find in my washer #1

Linus has always loved playing with this that aren't his toys. Aduly people things are far more exciting than blocks and cars,  I guess. I always have to remember to check the washer before I load it because after he started walking, he started randomly depositing things into the washer.

This brings us to begin a new series about what I find in the washer.

Today,  a remote for our old receiver and a purple wireless mouse.

Always coming back home to you

Linus and I have been away from Jon for a few weeks.  Since I'm staying at home with Linus these days, I decided that we should visit my parents in Minnesota for a long stretch of time before heading to Grand Rapids to visit my in-laws and go to my friend's wedding.  So, today is our last day of our 18-day trip to the Twin Cities.

Being here has been awesome.  But the one thing that I realize more and more is that this is where my heart is.  And I realize it with even more of a fervor now that I have a child.

Linus absolutely adores my parents.  He immediately recognized them when they picked us up from the airport, despite not having seen them for many months.  He went from throwing an airport tantrum to smiling and laughing and waving at my dad in a matter of seconds.  It's been so wonderful watching Linus play with both of my parents, especially because he immediately remembered that he could trust them to nurture him and love him.

Not only is it awesome to have such wonderful roll models for my son in his grandparents, but they're so amazingly helpful.  They're willing to watch him, even if he's fussy, so I can run errands or grab a happy hour with my grad school friends.  They help to entertain him while I make breakfast, or they make breakfast while I entertain Linus.  And, it's just plain fun to have my mom around in the evenings so we can all sit on the floor and play ball or trucks.  We can talk about mom-daughter things while also educating my own son.

While this trip has certainly been different than most of my trips home, it's been absolutely wonderful.  I didn't get to see many of my good friends, and I regret that.  But both Linus and I had some amazing bonding time with my parents, his grandparents.

It makes me sad that we're leaving, and I know my parents will probably both cry harder than the day I moved to Michigan for grad school when we leave (only because they'll miss Linus so much!).  I'm excited to see my husband again, of course.  But having such a wonderful support system is going to be hard to go without when we're back in California.  I've just always had to do things myself (aside from when we have visitors who are willing to help out), so it's how I've adapted my parenting.  I certainly would love to be back here permanently to be able to have such a wonderful, supportive, compassionate support system readily available.

This place is where my soul thrives.

Until we meet again, Minnesota.

References for the lactating mom

I've been nursing my son for almost a year now.  It's really helped to create a wonderful relationship between the two of us.  I've been fortunate in that I haven't run into any major issues with breastfeeding, but they do exist.  I'm going to post a list of websites that I've found as helpful guides on different topics involving lactation.

1. Safe Medications During Lactation - There are a number of sites dedicated to helping women understand what OTCs and prescription medications are safe to take while nursing. This has been helpful to me during allergy season, but a number of women have more serious medical issues that they encounter and need to understand, for instance, whether they can take certain antibiotics, etc.
   
   • LACTMED is run by the NIH and is very comprehensive. It's not as user-friendly as some of the other databases, but I have to say that I trust the NIH more than all other resources.
   • Breastfeeding and medications by the Mayo Clinic has a quick list of symptoms and lists a couple of safe medications you can take if you're experiencing them.
   
   
   
2. Kelly Mom is an evidence-based guide to breastfeeding and parenting. The website is very comprehensive. Some of my favorite articles are as follows:
   
   • Average weight gain for breastfed babies and Growth Charts teaches you that healthy breastfed babies gain weight the quickest during the first couple months of their lives, then slow down. This is basically the opposite of what formula-fed babies do.
   • How does milk production work - I found this to be very interesting and answered a lot of the biological questions I had.
   • Reusing expressed breastmilk talks about whether it's okay to reuse expressed breastmilk if baby doesn't drink all of it in the first sitting. Short answer is yes, but read the logic of why.
   • I'm not pumping enough milk. What can I do? - This is an in-depth look at milk production (and there are some other articles about it around the website) that then talks about some things to check in on if you feel you're not pumping enough for baby.
   • There are so many more great articles around the website. I highly suggest reading it and asking questions as you're reading about topics that then bring you to other great topics.
   
   
   
3. La Leche League International is a great resource that every lactating mother should know about. There are organized groups all over the world, and likely one that is close to you. In my area, there are monthly drop-in meetings at a local hospital where women can bring their babies to nurse and ask questions to their trained LLL leader.
   
    There is also a toll free number you can call to ask questions and get breastfeeding suppoty.  Within the USA it is 877-4-LALECHE.

LLL also has a few books they've published that discuss breastfeeding topics and offer support. I highly suggest going to your local library to read the book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and, if you have time, Sweet Sleep.

I'm sure there are many more wonderful resources, but these are the few that I've found to be absolutely comprehensive.  Within these resources, you can find information on bigger issues like mastitis and blebs and other such issues of the breast.  Remember, your local hospital also will have an on-call lactation consultant who can advise you through situations.  And, also, if you have incredibly brilliant breastfeeding mama girlfriends like I do, you can also use them as references for any issues you have.

Walking on Sunshine

I have a baby and I have a dog.

For a long time, I was exclusively baby-carrying the baby, which made dog-walking pretty easy.  I had my Ergo on and we were ready to go.  Plus, we lived in Olympia, WA where our dog could run free through the forested trails, so I often didn't have to worry about leashing him.

Then we moved to California.  The leash laws seem much stricter here.  Probably because the population density is a gazillion times more here and, while there are some open spaces, they're not contained by wooded borders -- they're actually much more open.

We lucked out and have a dog park about a half mile from our place in Cali, at least, but this still means that the dog is leashed during all of our walks around town.

Plus, the baby has gotten so big that it's become harder to carry him for long distances, so I've started using the stroller for many of our walks.

Working with a leash and a stroller is not easy.  My mom was using our extend-o leash: the one that can go up to 25' long, but I've always hated carrying that one because the plastic handle is not comfortable.  Plus, you still have to have one hand on the stroller and one on the leash.

So, the research question is: What is the right way to walk the stroller and Max (who pulls) around town?  I've been conducting my experiments and I've finally found a great way to do it.  One that leads to a happy dog, a happy baby, and a happy mom.

The answer is two-fold.

1. Harness.  Since the dog doesn't heel, and, instead, pulls and pulls and pulls, the right harness is clutch.  The answer for us was the Easy Walk Harness.
   
   We had done the Gentle Leader for quite some time, but Max would pull hard enough that it would leave marks on his face if we did a long walk, so a dog trainer at our local dog park suggested the Easy Walk.  The key to our Easy Walk was thought up and executed by my mom, who is fantastic in every way.  She took a piece of foam and wrapped it around the part of the harness that goes underneath the dog, so that he wouldn't get red marks on his underside if he pulls too hard.
   
   Yes, Max still pulls.  It seems that no matter what product we try, he pulls.  But he pulls in a manageable way.  It's not so hard it's going to knock me over.  I can control him.
   
   
2. Leash.  I was talking to an avid runner while visiting the dog park one day and she was telling me about her running leash.  Of course they make a hands-free leash!  Why haven't I seen these in the stores?  So, I ran home and checked Amazon and found a fantastic leash that straps around my waist.  
   
   I purchased The Buddy System, which is really convenient because of its versatility.  For Max, I use the Buddy System with the Lunge Buster.  We also purchased the Extend-A-Buddy for hiking, or any time there are 2 adults walking with a dog and a baby.  But, with the Buddy System, I was able to find the right length where Max can stride right next to the stroller.    
   
   The bonus of using the waist-leash is that when I go somewhere, I can easily affix the waist part of the leash around a pole.  This has been useful at the playground and the post office.  So Max can hang out near us, but not immediately next to us.

So, it took a little bit of time, but we finally found a great system for walking around town with a stroller and a dog, and I'd highly suggest these for other moms who are trying to wrangle babies and dogs simultaneously.

Practicing patience

Motherhood is so interesting.  It is a brand new phase in life in which I'm developing and redeveloping so many skills.  

It's an evolution of self in so many ways.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot is patience.  Patience is something I've never had a lot of.  When I think of something I want or want to do, I research and buy it or I go out and do it.  RIGHT AWAY.  There is no waiting.

I once decided to disrupt my lovely, stable life in a state I had never left, where I had a career and plenty of money to run off to grad school in another state, thus rendering me fairly penniless (or at least $60k in debt from student loans for my MPH program).  The whole decision period took about 3 days, and that was only because I was deciding between going to Michigan or New Orleans.  

I certainly don't regret that decision because it landed me where I am today: with a loving husband and amazing son, with skills and expertise I wanted to gain, in a whole different state that's warm and has flowers blooming all the time.

But, motherhood, unfortunately, doesn't really allow for those sorts of abrupt transitions.  Motherhood requires a great deal of patience.  Patience that needs to grow and change as your children do.  

My first lessons in patience were when Linus was about 6 or 8 weeks old and had a series of nights where he was in tears for hours because of bad gas pain.  Before that, we could always figure out what was bothering him -- he was hungry, tired, or his diaper was wet.  But, when the week or two of gas pains came, we had no idea what they were.  So we did what we knew how to do best: love him.  I'd walk him around the house and sing to him and rock him in my arms.  Eventually, the screams would wear on me and I'd pass him to Jon who would do the same.  We'd pass him back and forth between us until, eventually, he'd finally get some sort of huge burp up that usually involved a bunch of spit up, oftentimes coming out his nose because there was just so darn much of it.  Almost immediately thereafter, he'd stop crying and things would be fine.

That was easy -- he was a poor helpless baby in pain.  While a screaming baby isn't easy to have right next to your ears for hours on end, it's still not so bad because you understand that this dependent child can't do anything to ease his pain and it's completely up to you to take care of him.

As the months passed, though, the need for patience has grown.  More recently, Linus has been going through the whole object permanence phase.  For those of you who may not know, around 9 months of age, babies figure out that you exist even when you're not directly in front of them.  Before that, if things left their sight, it was basically as if those objects didn't exist.  But, at 9 months or so, they figure out that when you take something away, it's still available somewhere in the world and they just have to find it.  This is the time of their lives when they become SUPER clingy.

I had a hard enough time adjusting to having a puppy who always followed me around.  But, the baby thing has been a little harder.  There are times during my day when I just need to get something done, and that usually involves, say, walking to the laundry room, or grabbing the vacuum from the garage, or taking the garbage outside. The hardest thing seems to be making dinner, though, because that often comes at the point of the day when Linus is sleepy.  And when he's sleepy, he's extra needy.  So, cooking dinner often means that I have a baby in my arms while trying not to splatter hot oil on either of us while stirring something on the stove.  Or the baby is grabbing my leg while I'm trying to move around the kitchen to chop vegetables and wash dishes.  It gets quite complicated and can result in overdone food.  

So, with this phase of his life, I've really been thinking about my need to stretch my patience.  There are times during my day when the dog is doing something obnoxious and the baby is crying and I need to get 8 things done and we're going to be late to something and I'm at the end of my rope.  Well, of course, stressing out or yelling or anything like that doesn't improve the situation.  It just makes the dog more annoying and the baby cry harder.  So, I've really noticed times when I feel the stress level rise and I've had to really step back and take a number of deep breaths to be able to functionally deal with everyone's demands.  

Earlier, I mentioned transitions and how motherhood is no longer a time for abrupt transitions.  That also comes into play now.  Linus is a sensitive kid in a lot of ways.  He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways -- he's willing to explore new situations and try new things, but he has to do it on his own terms.  And right now I am his safety net.  So, he needs gentle transitions as he's going about his day.  This means that it takes him 15 minutes to warm up to his jovial-self and get comfortable with the world when he wakes up from a nap.  And it may take him a great deal of time to smile at, much less be held by, new people (including people he doesn't see daily).  

I am slowly learning to expand my levels of patience to accommodate Linus and make him as comfortable and secure as I can.  And this is something that we will be constantly working on.  As he grows up, he may get himself into situations that make it tough for me to understand why he would have undertaken them.  For instance, I recall a time when my then high-school-aged cousin and her friends got their car stuck in a ditch in the middle of the night on a cold, wet December night right before her family was leaving for Jamaica early the next morning.  they did all they could to try to resolve the situation before calling her dad at 3am, but her dad had to go help them out and didn't get much sleep.  All-in-all, things turned out fine for everyone and it was something to laugh about later.  Oh, teenagers.  

But, I just don't know what kind of things Linus will get into.  He's a boy and he's already proving to be a bit of a trouble-maker.  He's climbing stairs every chance he gets, and he makes a break for the outdoors every time the door opens. And, while he's very clingy and dependent right now, he won't always be.  The best we can do is love hm and teach him all we know.  But, getting a verbal lesson is very different from experiencing it yourself.  You always learn best when you make your own mistakes. 

That being said, I hope Linus makes a lot of mistakes.  I hope he fails at things during his life.  I hope he lives dangerously enough to push the boundaries of his comfort zone.  Because he will learn an infinite number of important lessons from doing so.  And, while he's making his mistakes, I may have to take a few deep breaths sometimes, or leave the room, or whatnot, but I hope to give him the patience, love, and support he needs to develop into a smart young man who gains worldly insight through living life.  

A moment alone

I'll be honest: when I need to shower or something when my husband's home, I almost always take an extra 5 minutes to stretch out on the bed by myself, enjoy the silence, and find bliss in the solitude.   

But the moment usually ends abruptly when I hear a wailing child downstairs.

Weighing in

One thing I've noticed that many first time moms of babies who I've met have in common is that we're all obsessed with our weight.  "Obsessed" isn't the right word....  More that it's something we think about.

I met a mom today at library storytime and one thing she mentioned during our conversation is that she still hasn't lost all her baby weight.  This is something my friends in Olympia and I used to discuss frequently too.

I, too, haven't lost all my baby weight.  Well, I've managed to lose most of it due to a lifestyle rich in walking and not sitting at a desk all day anymore, but my weight is certainly distributed differently than it used to be.  I used to have abs of steel and now they're a bit flabby.  My thighs are a little bigger.  Things like that.  I notice, but I'm trying harder not to.

One thing I want to tell you, mama: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thing is, we don't really have time to go to the gym.  We'd all love some free time, some time to spend by ourselves.  But now we have these little people who depend on us.  And, no, our partners are often a distant second to the ones known as mom.  Especially kids who are at the 8 or 9 month and up phase of object permanence -- it's mama-mama-mama 100% of the time.  I make dinner with a little one holding onto my leg.  Sometimes, I can sneak out of the room if my husband is around to distract him, but if he hears my voice, or catches a glimpse of me as I walk by on my way to the laundry room, it's over.  There will be tears.  There will be a baby crawling as fast as possible in my general direction.  There's just no one like mama.

Let's go back a few steps though and get back to this weight thing.  I gained 50 lbs while I was pregnant.  Okay, it was more than that.  At the end, I weighed more than my husband.  My face was swollen.  My feet were swollen.  I was an uncomfortable mess.  After I delivered my son, who was 7 lbs 10 oz, I lost all of like 10 lbs.  Maybe 15.  It really wasn't much.  I went in for his pediatrician appointment a couple days after coming home from the hospital and someone asked me how pregnant I was.  Yeah, just delivered.  Ugh.

I felt pretty yucky about my body.  I was used to looking pretty good without trying much.  Thank you, genetics!  But, ugh, I looked horrible for a long, long time.  On the plus side, no one is expected to leave their house for like 6 weeks after they give birth.  I went to the library when my son was 8 weeks old and another momma there said, "Wow, only 8 weeks old and you're already leaving the house?!  Go you!"

I wore my husband's shorts all summer long.  I looked ridiculous.  But I didn't really have clothes that fit me.  Maternity clothes don't fit right when you're not pregnant, so those were only half an option and the other mediocre option was wearing my husband's clothes.

I slowly shed a few pounds here and there.

People would tell me things like, "Oh, you're breastfeeding so you should lose it all really quickly!"  Haha.  Silly.  I might be breastfeeding and that burns calories, but I also have to eat a lot more to have nutrients for two people.  Seriously.  My son is 9 1/2 months and I can still eat a lot.

Some people run right back to the gym the second they give birth.  Good for you ladies.  Man, I don't have the energy for that.  Plus, I haven't been away from my son for longer than about an hour in the last 2 months.  And when he was really little, I couldn't imagine just leaving him with anyone.  I had to nurse that kid, and he frequently and consumed a lot.  On my birthday, 2 weeks after he was born, I drank a cup of coffee by myself and left Linus with my mother-in-law and my husband.  That was maybe about an hour of downtime.

I'm not sure what I would have done with him if I were trying to go to the gym on a regular basis.  We don't have family who lives in town.  It's pretty much just the three of us -- my husband, myself, and Baby Linus.  So, I'm not going to pay someone $20/hour to watch my baby just so I can go to zumba class.

Now-a-days, I don't have as much of an excuse.  Linus is old enough that they will watch him at most gym childcare centers.  I know that the YMCA in the next town over offers childcare for free with membership, and I've been thinking about joining to utilize that service and have that hour of alone time.  But, even still, our lives are a whirlwind of chaos.  We aren't one of those families that has a nap and feeding structure for our child.  When he's tired, he sleeps, and he sleeps for however long he wants to.  When he's hungry, he eats, and he eats however much he needs.  So, with the price of everything being so insanely high in California, I want to make sure that I will actually use the Y facilities often enough to make it worthwhile to pay the fees.  As of now, I'm not sure I'd bother making it there more than like twice a week.  Yipes.

So, I get it, mommas.  It's been 3 months....6 months.... 10 months.... maybe even 18 or more months since you gave birth and you haven't lost that baby weight.  It's cool.  Someday, you'll have time to be yourself again.  Right now, you are someone else's whole world.  Forget about those extra few pounds and go treat yourself to some new jeans (with spandex so they're comfy!), and a few new shirts and feel good about your body.  Your body's purpose is for rolling around on the floor and carrying a kid on your hip and catching your little one when they start to tumble.  Your body's purpose is to love that little one with all of it.  Someday, that little one will make a few friends and go to birthday parties and summer camps.  Maybe then you can find some time to get your nails done and go to yoga.  Be proud of yourself for being a momma, and try to stop feeling the pressures to look a certain way.  Heck, if you get a shower in today, you should be proud of yourself!

Ups and Downs

I can't even believe how my little guy has turned into such a big boy.  Over the last month or two, he's gotten all sorts of new physical skills.  He started crawling a bit ago, then started pulling himself up on everything. Now he's able to walk with assistance, including holding onto the wall and moving himself down the hallway.  He also figured out stairs a week or two ago.

Yesterday, my mom and I took him to the park and let him climb up the stairs so that we could slide down with him.

Here he is going up:

And coming down:

Bedsharing #3: Rearranging the bedroom

Bed-sharing has been great for us.  But, over the past month or two, Linus has started moving and a-shaking.  And that's made our bed-sharing experience a lot scarier!  Even in the middle of the night, in his sleep, he flips and twists and ends up in the weirdest places and positions!

We have a king-sized bed, and often I keep Linus on the outside of the bed.  My husband sleeps more soundly than I do, and he moves in his sleep.  I worry that he'll pull blankets over Linus's head accidentally.  So, I put Linus on the outside, and then pull the blankets way down after my body so he's nowhere near them.  

Our first investment for safe bed-sharing was a mesh toddler rail.  This has provided me with great peace of mind.  The only worry is that when Linus is awake, he likes to use it to bring himself to a standing position.  So, we've been learning what the word "No" means, and I describe to him why it is unsafe to do so and why I'm saying he can't do it.  He's figured it out and he doesn't do it anymore.  

Last weekend, we finally de-adult-ed our bedroom.  You see, my husband always said that you knew it was an adult bedroom because the bed was only against one wall.  We each had a nightstand.  The bed wasn't against two walls.  Well, last weekend we undid all of that.  We now have a bed in the corner of our room.  Linus sleeps closest to the wall, or sometimes in the middle of the bed.  The bed has a toddler mesh bed rail on the far side just in case.  And that bed no longer is on a bed frame.  We wanted to make it lower so if Linus managed to fall out, he wouldn't fall as far.  Plus, right now we have the dog bed at the foot of the bed, so if he does manage to fall out, he'll likely fall on that (or one of our dog's many cushy blankets...  seriously, this dog is pampered).

In the morning, I help Linus climb out of bed so hopefully he'll figure out the proper way to get down.  Right now, he still thinks that trying to go down the stairs head-first is a good idea, so hopefully he'll figure out soon that turning around to get out of bed is a better way.

Plus, now we can say good morning to the world right from our bed in the morning.  Here's Linus doing that:

It's only been a few days, but this is a much better bed-sharing arrangement.  I feel like we're safer and that Linus is less likely to dive head-first into danger at night.  I still won't leave him unattended in bed for naps or in the morning.  Instead of crying or talking loudly when he wakes up, now he goes to try to pet the cat or play with the blinds.  So, it's better if an adult is present for his waking up.

Bedsharing #2 - some philosophies and reviews and mostly just a lot of blabbering

My previous post discussed how we ended up exclusively bed-sharing.

Recently, I read the book Sweet Sleep, published by La Leche League. When talking about sleeping arrangements with a friend of mine, she suggested I read a variety of books to employ a multi-faceted philosophy that truly fits me best.  However, after reading the above book, I didn't need to read anymore.  That book really described how I feel about parenting, and what our family needs.  

Some people who have reviewed the book claim that it's not open-minded enough and that some babies and parents choose to sleep separately.  I agree.  Some babies are happy as clams in their own cribs.  And some parents just can't bedshare (this topic is covered in the book).  I've found that parenting books often tend to lean toward, "This is the right way to do things and all other ways are wrong," but I actually felt that Sweet Sleep wasn't very judgy compared to many other books I've seen.

The review I posted about Sweet Sleep on Goodreads is as follows:

I think each parent needs to figure their own parenting style out by reading the different sleep options. For me, I knew I would never bed share with my baby.... then he arrived and I realized that I am the kind of parent who, instead of making hard and fast decisions, lets my child teach me how he's comfortable. And, for my son, there's no way he was going to feel okay about sleeping alone in a crib. He wants to be loved, nurtured, and touched 24/7. I have friends whose children are vastly different and have been comfortable sleeping in their own beds since Day 1. 

That being said, I felt this book offered good tips and advice about bed sharing, and how to make it fit in with everyone's lifestyles. It was good for me to read when I did because my son has been going through some weird sleep patterns that have worn me down. The book made me feel good about my decision to bed share, and helped me keep a positive outlook on my own restlessness. I really began thinking about our family's needs as a unit and as individuals, and I'm so glad we can experience this period of closeness. Someday my little guy will want his own space and he'll slowly push me away, but I will always cherish our nighttime cuddles and morning playtime as we're waking up. 

Thanks to La Leche League for publishing a fine work on attachment parenting. It may not be every mother's style, but it's mine, and it's so nice to know that what feels right is also normal.

Attachment parenting has been just the way I do things naturally, it seems.  I didn't even know there was a term for it for many months -- I just went about motherhood in a manner that kept everyone the happiest.  Linus has always been in my arms, or strapped on me in my Ergo carrier.  Even today, at 9 months old, he constantly wants to be with me so I've found that putting him in my Maya Wrap or Ergo when I'm trying to make dinner or clean the house is often the easiest way to get things done.

Though he'll sleep in his stroller or sometimes in his swing, Linus still takes naps in my arms every single day.  It used to bother me that I couldn't get anything done during his naps.  More recently, my mind has changed.  I use his naps as times to read, listen to music, relax on the couch, check my email, and surf the web.  It is now my excuse for not getting more done.  "Yeah, I couldn't vacuum and take the garbage out, Linus took a 2 hour nap today!"  It's wonderful how a simple way to re-view a situation makes everything more relaxed.  Yes, this is a time for me to just veg out.

Oh yes, Linus is currently napping in my arms as I type this, and our dog Max is snuggled up with us, too.

I digress...

I always felt strange saying to people, "No, our son doesn't have a crib.  Yes, he sleeps with us every night.  Oh, I didn't bother using a stroller until he was close to 6 months old because I always carried him."  Because, in the modern world, babies sleep in cribs.  They sleep alone all night.  Who doesn't have a crib?  I felt that they were judging me.  And maybe they were.  But, why should I be embarrassed?  Hey, I'm a first-time mom.  I'm doing my best to read my son's cues.  He can't talk to tell me what makes him happy, so all I can do is play around with what seems to keep him content.  Being close to me has always been the one thing that seems to make him the happiest.  Maybe he's a sensitive kid.  That's okay.  Maybe he'll always be a mama's boy, and maybe it's just temporary.  No matter what, I'm doing what feels right.

I think about the history of people. Families used to be so close. Entire families in small dwellings.  Entire communities pitched in to help each other out.

The African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child," really speaks to me.  Both my husband and I are very community-oriented people.  When we got married, our true wishes were to have our friends contribute to our wedding and our marriage in ways that they best knew how.  We didn't need expensive presents, but just wanted them to share their love through friendship.  We had friends offer their braun or creativity to help set up the wedding venue, and to do art projects beforehand that were showcased at the wedding.  We had our friend as the master of ceremony, and another friend do a reading.  We wanted it to be a close-knit, big family of all of our friends.  And it was.  It was fantastic.

Now that we are raising Linus, we feel the same way, and we want him to share in the value of community.  By surrounding Linus with love, with people who are different and have different skills to share, we can teach him acceptance, sharing, compassion...  I've always hated how the world is turning into a place where we breed fear instead of these values.  If we are surrounded by our people, our kids can play in the park by themselves and learn to be independent.  If we teach fear and isolation and teach our kids that they require constant supervision, what kind of world are we bringing to our children?  We are all safer if we can look out for one another.

That was another digression that relates to parenting and not sleep.  But, as far as sleep goes, entire families used to live in close quarters. It was natural for everyone to sleep together.  Even my mom used to share a bed with her sister growing up.  Over the past few hundred years, so much about both childbirth and about parenting have changed,  First, men decided to butt their heads into childbirth and claim they knew what was right, even when they knew nothing about providing the comfort and compassion necessary to safely remove a child from a womb.  Then, the patriarchs decided that they wanted their wives back to themselves as soon as she expelled the fetus from her body.  Children were to be seen and not heard.  Parents provided discipline and not compassion.  These ideas have ebbed and flowed over the past few hundred years.  You see it in the history of childbirth, and in the push to accept non-natural practices as the norm (e.g. formula feeding over breastfeeding when one has a choice in the matter).

Luckily, these days, science does have a bit of a say in most places in the world (not always the U.S. where the religious right seems to disagree with fact).  The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees that breast is best for babies (though, not all mothers CAN breastfeed, so no judgement here if you don't), and while the hospital told us that safe sleep for babies involves a crib, our doctor said that our child should be in our room for the first 6 months and also laid out how to safely sleep with our child in bed with us if it was our chosen method of sleep (no blankets or pillows that can smother him, hard surface, etc.).

The art of safe child-rearing is constantly in flux. I was skimming a child development book from the mid-1990s that was quite outdated in some of its considerations.  The first red flag was about how all newborns should go to sleep with bumpers in their cribs to avoid hitting their heads or getting stuck between the slats.  Now-a-days, crib bumpers are a big no-no due to the possibility of suffocation.  I believe the state of Illinois actually has banned their sale, and other states are considering the same.  Similarly, the recommendation to share a bedroom with your child is now a big one because supposedly the risk of SIDS drops dramatically when babies are in a parents' bedroom, listening to their breathing and breathing along with them.

Safe bed-sharing one-ups room-sharing, in my opinion.  I spent many nights where Linus slept on my chest for a few hours at a time.  He slept better and longer and easier.  He heard my heartbeat and felt my inhales and exhales.  When he wasn't on my chest, my body was wrapped around his to protect him.  And, I have always been aware of him -- I often wake up as he's waking him so he doesn't have to cry, or he only cries for a brief second before he realizes I'm right there.  And I used to sleep like a rock for 8 hours every night!  Haha, not anymore.  Linus and I wake and sleep together.  Well, we wake together.  He often falls asleep way easier and more quickly than I do!

So, yes, I'm all for bed-sharing.  It works for our family.  It has worked throughout the history of humankind, and, before that, for many of our mammalian counterparts.  It may not work for every family, and some babies may not even want to bed share.  But, it took me a long, long time to feel normal in saying that, yes, we bedshare and, yes, we're so happy we do.

Bed-sharing #1: How our family bed came to be

Linus started sleeping in our bed basically since we brought him home from the hospital.  In the beginning, I was adamantly against having him sleep with us because of all of the accidental baby smotherings you hear about in the news.  We had our Baby Bjorn cradle,with the mesh sides so he couldn't smother himself accidentally, set up right next to our bed.  That's where he spent the majority of his nighttime sleep during his first 3.5 months of life.  But, around 5:00 a.m. or so, I'd pull him into bed to nurse him and we'd be there for the last few hours of our nighttime sleep.

Of course, I say "nighttime sleep" because he slept off-and-on around the clock for the first many weeks of his life.  But, I thought it was a good compromise, and, for the most part, Linus slept pretty well in his cradle, as long as we put him there after he had fallen soundly asleep.  

But, he quickly outgrew the cradle.  Turns out, he's a big kid!  Here's him at 3 months old in that same cradle:

When he was 3.5 months old, we went to visit our families in the Midwest.  When we came back, I figured we could move him to the Pack 'n' Play in our room.  He'd spent the previous couple of weeks sleeping in Pack 'n' Plays so it shouldn't be an issue, right?  Wrong.

I remember being patient about the transition and giving it a week. Sometimes we could get him to fall asleep soundly enough that if we transferred him to the Pack 'n' Play, he'd stay asleep.  Other times, he'd cry and cry and I'd follow the advice of others and just let him do that.... until, 3 hours later when he was crying even harder and I wanted to go to bed.

I remember the night that I gave up trying to get him to sleep on his own.  It was a Sunday night and I had to work the next day.  I'd gotten him to sleep in my arms and tried the transfer to the Pack'n'Play.  I'd done it about 5 times.  It was now 3 hours past when I had intended on going to sleep.  I was exhausted and I knew I had to get up early the next morning.  So I looked at him and said, "You win."  And after that, I never even bothered trying again.  From that night forward, he slept exclusively in our bed.  And, quite frankly, even though I think I wake up more frequently than (breastfeeding) moms whose babies are in cribs, I still think I sleep more and sleep better.

At times, I've regretted not sleep training him.  It's always on the days that follow the extremely difficult nights where he wakes up nearly every hour to nurse and I'm exhausted and living on coffee and green tea the following day.  But, those times are fleeting.   Once, I called my cousin's wife, nearly in tears, because I was hoping she had some magical solution or at least some ideas for what would help napping and sleeping.  It turns out that she didn't have any magical ideas, but she could relate completely to everything I was going through.

Truthfully, every day that we wake up together and get to play in bed in the morning sunlight, and every night when we fall asleep together as he nurses, and every time he shifts over in bed so he's snuggling next to my husband, or even the times when he's laying across us at weird positions, I'm ever-so-grateful to have kept our bedsharing arrangement.  I know that someday he'll have his big kid friends and go to sleepovers and not want much to do with his parents aside from a few dollars to see a movie, and I hope that when I'm feeling rejected on those days that I can remember all these wonderful moments we shared, snuggling close and keeping each other warm and comfortable.  As much as I want to say that I look forward to it, it's going to be hard when he decides he wants his own room and his own bed.  

Every child and their parents needs to make their own decision on what sleeping arrangement is best for their family.  For us, it's best to have Linus with us in our room and in our bed.  Everyone is most comfortable that way.  When Linus is fast asleep, he reaches for me and immediately settles once he finds me.  For me, I can touch his belly in the middle of the night or listen for his breath just to make sure all is still well.  And, for Jon, he's probably just happy because the rest of us are, but I also know he enjoys snuggling up to Linus at night and providing comfort to him or a helping hand to me when he can.

To sleep, perchance to dream

We've been having some sleep issues lately.

Scratch that....

I have been having some sleep issues lately.

Linus manages to get the sleep he needs.  It's Mom that suffers.  And not even Dad -- Dad manages to sleep through most of Linus's wakings.

Linus sleeps with us, so every time he wakes up, he wakes me up, too.  Some nights, we're A-OK.  We wake up maybe twice.  Other nights, it's more frequent.

Earlier this week, I had a night where he woke me up nearly every hour.  I was fried the next day and in no shape to actually try to parent.  But, being the stay at home mother I now am, I don't have anyone to hand him off to during the days.  While he was peppy and rearing to go, I just wanted to crash out, by myself, for hours.

I called my cousin's wife, Laura, in a fit of panic.  They cosleep with their daughter who is nearing 2.  I figured that she would have some fantastic advice.  "Do this.  Try this.  This totally worked for us."

It turns out, no.  She was very understanding and sweet, and said she went through all of the same stuff.  It was at least so nice to have someone who understood what I was going through and was willing to listen to me for a few minutes.

I also checked out a lovely book from the library.  Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and Naptime Strategies for the Breastfeeding Family by La Leche League.  This is a book I've been meaning to pick up since it came out a few months ago.  I'm so, so glad I finally started reading it.

I walked to the library yesterday to grab the book, which I had on hold.  It was high time for a nap for Linus, so he fell asleep peacefully in his stroller on the rainy walk there, so I sat in the library for an hour reading.  It was awesome.  I mean the sitting in the library being able to read a book that I wanted for an entire hour part.  The book is great, too, but just having some time to run an errand for me, and take some time where I don't have to think about my child because he's sleeping.  Yes, wonderful.

I skipped ahead to the chapter on his developmental stage (4 months to toddler, which seems like a huge range, but they broke it into smaller segments within the chapter).  It made me feel great to read it.  Kids at this age start to have funny sleep patterns.  They're starting to learn crazy new tricks -- crawling and walking, and those new things actually keep them awake at night.  Also, the teething thing keeps babies awake, and I think Linus's gums have been bugging him a bit lately because he's been chewing on everything.  I've also noticed with Linus that as he learned to crawl and move confidently, he moves more in his sleep and I think this wakes him up.

The thing is, I agree with La Leche League philosophy.  I do.  It is the way that I want to parent -- hands on, attachment parenting, where mom and baby are a unit who grow together.  It's the natural way of parenting for me, and I think it takes a lessons from cultures all over the world who raise their children right around them, keeping them within their lifestyle instead of having an adult life one place and having a kid-friendly life somewhere else.  The mom-child bond is a symbiotic relationship in many ways: we find comfort in each other and find many of our needs can be met by each other.    Linus is starting to grow and become more independent, but he always comes back to Mom.  And it's so, so awesome to watching him as he's growing and developing.

As far as sleep is concerned, I learned a long time ago that I just can't let him cry it out, like some parents do.  And even the parents who follow the guide about going in to comfort their child every 15 minutes or half hour, to get the kids to sleep on their own... well, that's not me either.  Linus doesn't need to sit there and cry for hours at a time for days on end just to teach him that he needs to suck it up and learn to adapt to being alone in this world.  Not my kid.  I can handle a few sleepless night if it means ensuring he feels comfortable and safe.  That is my goal as a mother: to ensure my kid knows that his family is always here for him.  I can do it now, physically.  When he's in college, I hope he knows he can pick up the phone any time he's feeling lonely or sad or stressed out, or if he's in trouble.

And I get it -- that last paragraph isn't meant to say that other moms are doing it wrong if they let their kid cry it out for a week to teach them to sleep on their own.  Everyone subscribes to different parenting philosophies.  You can read tons of books and get different opinions on what's "right", but in the end, you follow the philosophy that matches what you already know and believe.  I know what feels right to my family.  Others can make their own decisions about what's right for their families.  And, on days when I'm so, so tired that I can barely function, I will envy those parents who taught their kids to sleep on their own.  But, I love having Linus in my bed, snuggling close to me at night.  If I'm worried about him, all I have to do is reach over and touch him to know he's breathing.  Sometimes he seems to have bad dreams, and I can comfort him without even waking him up.  It's the way I enjoy doing it.

For me, my family are my peeps.  First, it was Jonathan and I and we easily braided our lives together and incorporated each other into everything. -- even when we set out to do something as individuals, we always came back to share it with the other person.  We are partners and we get excited for each other, we prop each other up, we act as cheerleaders or therapists or just a listening ear or embracing set of arms for each other  Now, we've added Linus: another colorful string in our weave of life.  He comes out to dinner with us if we go out, and we take him out hiking.  Sure, we don't do "adult" things very often right now, but soon he'll be old enough to go to music and cultural events, and I'm so excited to share the world with him and make it fun for him.  Who says an art museum can't be a place to learn about Monet and hide-and-go-seek?

I guess, at the end of this, I need to remember...  all of these stages happen so quickly.  Right now, he naps in my arms and I can slow down my life and sit on the couch and enjoy it.  Eventually, he'll only want to be running around with his friends.  And, as he grows and advances to those stages, I can at least be glad that I had so many wonderful hours of snuggling my little baby boy, and giving him all the love and closeness in the world.

Superbowl Sunday

This is my Superbowl post.

Linus was born in Olympia, WA.  That makes us Seahawks fans.  12th Man.  All of that.

And Linus is adorable.

Updates from the field

It's a rare morning where I'm awake and have baby-free time to myself.  Part of me doesn't know what to do with this time.  Of course, the list of chores that are piling up is always running through my mind, but most of those are too loud or involve tasks near the bedroom and I don't want to risk waking him.  Other things I'd love to do involve updating my CV, but my computer still isn't hooked up.

Ahhh, the labor of moving when there are babies in the family....

Instead, I'm downstairs, staring out the window as the sun is rising over the world, igniting it with a golden glow and breathing.

We've been having some tougher times lately -- and I shouldn't complain at all because Linus is still a really easy kid!  Linus started crawling fairly recently, and, since then, has mastered it so that he follows me everywhere, but gets frustrated because he can't keep up.  This never used to be a problem when he would just sit happily and play while I did a few things around the house, but now that he's mobile, he wants to be part of the action at all times.  He also had some rough sleep patches, especially over the weekend when my father-in-law was visiting.  I think it was the whole, "Why is this man constantly in my house?" mentality, but Linus decided it'd be fun not to really nap, then he'd wake up a gazillion times in the middle of the night, and he wouldn't eat normal meals, so he was very cranky.  Last Saturday, I looked at the clock nearly every hour during the night because he kept waking me up.

Now that Ron is gone, Linus is getting back into his normal habits -- eating me out of house and home (seriously, this kid can pack it away!), taking about 3 naps a day, and being pretty easy-going.

Night time has been the hardest, especially when I have to do things like make the bed and put stuff away around 6 or 7 pm.  That is, apparently, unacceptable and results in loud, horrific crying.  This is most unfortunate when my husband is stuck at work late, or goes to play frisbee after work and doesn't come home until really late so I don't have a second parent to help me get things done around the house.

For the most part, though, Linus is a really easy-going kid.  He can play by himself for long periods of time, and he's really hilarious.  He's easy to take shopping because he smiles and talks to all of the other customers in the check-out line.  He's definitely learned how to get attention in a positive way.

Definitely, being a stay-at-home-mom is tough in certain ways.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love playing with Linus and watching him learn new skills every single day, but it's tough not having adult, intellectual interaction.

In an ideal world, I'll stay home through the end of the summer with him.  He turns 1 in May, and he'll be cheaper at daycare after that.  Then, I'd like to do a few things over the summer -- take a nice long trip to MN to visit family and friends, and hit my friend's wedding in Michigan in June.  So, I'm semi-keeping my eyes peeled for a good opportunity for myself that doesn't involve a horrific commute.

On a side note and unrelated, one of my favorite things to do is to put the monitor in Linus's room and just watch him play.  He's so adorable and funny and can create quite the whirlwind of mess in just a few minutes!

Today in Linus history

It's Saturday, so we packed Linus up in the car and headed to Livermore where J's step-dad's niece lives. Lisa and her husband Joe have a delightful 2 1/2 year old named Sadie.  We went out for lunch and Linus got to munch on his first pickle. I thought he'd be grossed out by the taste, but he loved it and the texture was perfect for his teething gums. Later, we got back to Lisa's house and Sadie showed us her trampoline. So Linus got to bounce on the trampoline. He had an altogether amazing afternoon.

New Year's Resolutions

Happy 2015! Unlike last year when I was pregnant and exhausted, we made it to midnight this year. It was a relaxing evening of deep dish pizza, playing with Linus, snuggling on the couch, and watching tv. That's apparently my kind of fun these days.

I haven't done any resolutions the last couple years because I haven't thought of too many things I've been willing to commit to change, but a couple of things have sparked my interest this year that I'd like to try my hand at.

In 2015, I resolve to:

• Not waste so much food!

I'm a horrible food-waster. I don't eat leftovers. I buy produce only to forget about it and pull it out of my fridge months later saying, "What was this?"  I'm going to start eating what I buy, eating leftovers, and cooking creatively with ingredients I have. This is part of my grand scheme of saving money since we just moved to one of the most expensive places to live in the US.

• Do some yoga .

I made this resolution today. My back is killing me because I'm constantly bending over to play with Linus, help him walk, or pick him up. It's like it's slowly starting to arch the wrong way. Not only that, but my "bad" knee has been really bothering me because I sit cross-legged on the floor all the time. It is yucky. I think yoga and some strength-training will help.

• Put my cell phone down more and just be.

It makes me sad that my son would rather play with my phone than with any of his toys. So it's time for me to stop internetting and text messaging so much. The phone can stay on the counter while Linus is awake.

• Blog more.

When I was younger, I journaled a lot.  I had paper journals, online journals, and I'd write long and rambling emails about my thoughts and emotions to my friends.  The last couple of times that I'ev tried to start online blogs, I haven't done a great job keeping up on them, but 2015 is going to be the year.  I'm not talking a post a day or anything, but maybe once a week or so, even if it's  just to post a picture of Linus and talk about what we did at the store.  I don't really have the crazy emotions of an 18 year-old girl anymore, so it's not going to be deep stuff here, but some thoughts on parenting, womanhood, or silly stories are to be expected.