Nightmare on Easthill Pl

I had this horrible nightmare last night where I had befriended these two nurses (who seemed to be a hilarious gay couple, one white and one black and ready to have a sitcom about them), and I allowed them to move in with me.  Something happened to Linus where he got really sick and the nurses, who had apparently worked with Linus previously, muttered something about him having a condition.  The conversation went along and it turns out that Linus' doctors and nurses withheld from us the fact that he was genetically predisposed to a heart condition that would cause him to die during childhood, though they didn't know when.  They said the surgery to fix it was too risky.  I remember feeling so horribly sad.  Other things happened during the dream, and at one point, I couldn't find Linus and I thought he was dead.

This was the worst dream I've maybe ever had.

Now that I'm a parent, I realize that my whole life has shifted.  My worst fears in order are as follows:

1. That something will happen to Linus and he won't get to grow up and experience all of life's challenges and rewards.
2. That something will happen to me and Linus will have to grow up without his mama, whom he so desperately needs right now.
3. That something will happen to Jon and Linus will have to grow up without his papa, who has so many neat things to teach him and introduce him to, and so much love to give.
4. That something bad will happen in the life that surrounds Linus so that he will have to grow up while carrying around something dark.
5. Monsters, darkness, snakes, etc.  All the other bad things that I used to be afraid of.  

After I woke up from my horrible dream, I thought about some of the people I knew who died all too young.  Mike Langer is one who sticks out vividly -- when he was about 16, he died in an avalanche while on a snowboarding trip with his family.  He was the one who was going to check whether a path was ok for his group of friends to travel down, and he stepped and, bam, everything came down and brought him with it.  I can't even imagine what his mom felt.

I always understood that the whole mom-child love thing existed, but now that I'm experiencing it from the mom point of view, it knocks me off my feet.  I love my son so, so much.  At this age, he and I are almost dependent on each other.  Of course, I look forward to him becoming more and more independent when he's ready for it, but right now I nurse him and change his diaper and snuggle him to sleep, and without him next to me I feel like I'm missing something.

And then I thought about those little Syrian kids that ISIS just released after months and months of torture.  They were beaten and forced to watch videos of beheadings.  What kind of monsters do that to a group of children?  I want to wrap all of them up in my arms and take those months of pain away and promise them that they're safe and nothing bad will ever happen to them again.

And I thought about those 200 Nigerian schoolgirls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram.  Where are they and will they ever be released?  What have they undergone?  Rape?  Torture?  Murder?

The world is such a cruel place and I want nothing but to keep my son safe from the agonies it can bring.  

The thought of anything happening to my Linus just burns me down.