We've been having some sleep issues lately.
Scratch that....
I have been having some sleep issues lately.
Linus manages to get the sleep he needs. It's Mom that suffers. And not even Dad -- Dad manages to sleep through most of Linus's wakings.
Linus sleeps with us, so every time he wakes up, he wakes me up, too. Some nights, we're A-OK. We wake up maybe twice. Other nights, it's more frequent.
Earlier this week, I had a night where he woke me up nearly every hour. I was fried the next day and in no shape to actually try to parent. But, being the stay at home mother I now am, I don't have anyone to hand him off to during the days. While he was peppy and rearing to go, I just wanted to crash out, by myself, for hours.
I called my cousin's wife, Laura, in a fit of panic. They cosleep with their daughter who is nearing 2. I figured that she would have some fantastic advice. "Do this. Try this. This totally worked for us."
It turns out, no. She was very understanding and sweet, and said she went through all of the same stuff. It was at least so nice to have someone who understood what I was going through and was willing to listen to me for a few minutes.
I also checked out a lovely book from the library. Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and Naptime Strategies for the Breastfeeding Family by La Leche League. This is a book I've been meaning to pick up since it came out a few months ago. I'm so, so glad I finally started reading it.
I walked to the library yesterday to grab the book, which I had on hold. It was high time for a nap for Linus, so he fell asleep peacefully in his stroller on the rainy walk there, so I sat in the library for an hour reading. It was awesome. I mean the sitting in the library being able to read a book that I wanted for an entire hour part. The book is great, too, but just having some time to run an errand for me, and take some time where I don't have to think about my child because he's sleeping. Yes, wonderful.
I skipped ahead to the chapter on his developmental stage (4 months to toddler, which seems like a huge range, but they broke it into smaller segments within the chapter). It made me feel great to read it. Kids at this age start to have funny sleep patterns. They're starting to learn crazy new tricks -- crawling and walking, and those new things actually keep them awake at night. Also, the teething thing keeps babies awake, and I think Linus's gums have been bugging him a bit lately because he's been chewing on everything. I've also noticed with Linus that as he learned to crawl and move confidently, he moves more in his sleep and I think this wakes him up.
The thing is, I agree with La Leche League philosophy. I do. It is the way that I want to parent -- hands on, attachment parenting, where mom and baby are a unit who grow together. It's the natural way of parenting for me, and I think it takes a lessons from cultures all over the world who raise their children right around them, keeping them within their lifestyle instead of having an adult life one place and having a kid-friendly life somewhere else. The mom-child bond is a symbiotic relationship in many ways: we find comfort in each other and find many of our needs can be met by each other. Linus is starting to grow and become more independent, but he always comes back to Mom. And it's so, so awesome to watching him as he's growing and developing.
As far as sleep is concerned, I learned a long time ago that I just can't let him cry it out, like some parents do. And even the parents who follow the guide about going in to comfort their child every 15 minutes or half hour, to get the kids to sleep on their own... well, that's not me either. Linus doesn't need to sit there and cry for hours at a time for days on end just to teach him that he needs to suck it up and learn to adapt to being alone in this world. Not my kid. I can handle a few sleepless night if it means ensuring he feels comfortable and safe. That is my goal as a mother: to ensure my kid knows that his family is always here for him. I can do it now, physically. When he's in college, I hope he knows he can pick up the phone any time he's feeling lonely or sad or stressed out, or if he's in trouble.
And I get it -- that last paragraph isn't meant to say that other moms are doing it wrong if they let their kid cry it out for a week to teach them to sleep on their own. Everyone subscribes to different parenting philosophies. You can read tons of books and get different opinions on what's "right", but in the end, you follow the philosophy that matches what you already know and believe. I know what feels right to my family. Others can make their own decisions about what's right for their families. And, on days when I'm so, so tired that I can barely function, I will envy those parents who taught their kids to sleep on their own. But, I love having Linus in my bed, snuggling close to me at night. If I'm worried about him, all I have to do is reach over and touch him to know he's breathing. Sometimes he seems to have bad dreams, and I can comfort him without even waking him up. It's the way I enjoy doing it.
For me, my family are my peeps. First, it was Jonathan and I and we easily braided our lives together and incorporated each other into everything. -- even when we set out to do something as individuals, we always came back to share it with the other person. We are partners and we get excited for each other, we prop each other up, we act as cheerleaders or therapists or just a listening ear or embracing set of arms for each other Now, we've added Linus: another colorful string in our weave of life. He comes out to dinner with us if we go out, and we take him out hiking. Sure, we don't do "adult" things very often right now, but soon he'll be old enough to go to music and cultural events, and I'm so excited to share the world with him and make it fun for him. Who says an art museum can't be a place to learn about Monet and hide-and-go-seek?
I guess, at the end of this, I need to remember... all of these stages happen so quickly. Right now, he naps in my arms and I can slow down my life and sit on the couch and enjoy it. Eventually, he'll only want to be running around with his friends. And, as he grows and advances to those stages, I can at least be glad that I had so many wonderful hours of snuggling my little baby boy, and giving him all the love and closeness in the world.
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