Recently, I read the book Sweet Sleep, published by La Leche League. When talking about sleeping arrangements with a friend of mine, she suggested I read a variety of books to employ a multi-faceted philosophy that truly fits me best. However, after reading the above book, I didn't need to read anymore. That book really described how I feel about parenting, and what our family needs.
Some people who have reviewed the book claim that it's not open-minded enough and that some babies and parents choose to sleep separately. I agree. Some babies are happy as clams in their own cribs. And some parents just can't bedshare (this topic is covered in the book). I've found that parenting books often tend to lean toward, "This is the right way to do things and all other ways are wrong," but I actually felt that Sweet Sleep wasn't very judgy compared to many other books I've seen.
The review I posted about Sweet Sleep on Goodreads is as follows:
I think each parent needs to figure their own parenting style out by reading the different sleep options. For me, I knew I would never bed share with my baby.... then he arrived and I realized that I am the kind of parent who, instead of making hard and fast decisions, lets my child teach me how he's comfortable. And, for my son, there's no way he was going to feel okay about sleeping alone in a crib. He wants to be loved, nurtured, and touched 24/7. I have friends whose children are vastly different and have been comfortable sleeping in their own beds since Day 1.
That being said, I felt this book offered good tips and advice about bed sharing, and how to make it fit in with everyone's lifestyles. It was good for me to read when I did because my son has been going through some weird sleep patterns that have worn me down. The book made me feel good about my decision to bed share, and helped me keep a positive outlook on my own restlessness. I really began thinking about our family's needs as a unit and as individuals, and I'm so glad we can experience this period of closeness. Someday my little guy will want his own space and he'll slowly push me away, but I will always cherish our nighttime cuddles and morning playtime as we're waking up.
Thanks to La Leche League for publishing a fine work on attachment parenting. It may not be every mother's style, but it's mine, and it's so nice to know that what feels right is also normal.
Attachment parenting has been just the way I do things naturally, it seems. I didn't even know there was a term for it for many months -- I just went about motherhood in a manner that kept everyone the happiest. Linus has always been in my arms, or strapped on me in my Ergo carrier. Even today, at 9 months old, he constantly wants to be with me so I've found that putting him in my Maya Wrap or Ergo when I'm trying to make dinner or clean the house is often the easiest way to get things done.
Though he'll sleep in his stroller or sometimes in his swing, Linus still takes naps in my arms every single day. It used to bother me that I couldn't get anything done during his naps. More recently, my mind has changed. I use his naps as times to read, listen to music, relax on the couch, check my email, and surf the web. It is now my excuse for not getting more done. "Yeah, I couldn't vacuum and take the garbage out, Linus took a 2 hour nap today!" It's wonderful how a simple way to re-view a situation makes everything more relaxed. Yes, this is a time for me to just veg out.
Oh yes, Linus is currently napping in my arms as I type this, and our dog Max is snuggled up with us, too.
I digress...
I always felt strange saying to people, "No, our son doesn't have a crib. Yes, he sleeps with us every night. Oh, I didn't bother using a stroller until he was close to 6 months old because I always carried him." Because, in the modern world, babies sleep in cribs. They sleep alone all night. Who doesn't have a crib? I felt that they were judging me. And maybe they were. But, why should I be embarrassed? Hey, I'm a first-time mom. I'm doing my best to read my son's cues. He can't talk to tell me what makes him happy, so all I can do is play around with what seems to keep him content. Being close to me has always been the one thing that seems to make him the happiest. Maybe he's a sensitive kid. That's okay. Maybe he'll always be a mama's boy, and maybe it's just temporary. No matter what, I'm doing what feels right.
I think about the history of people. Families used to be so close. Entire families in small dwellings. Entire communities pitched in to help each other out.
The African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child," really speaks to me. Both my husband and I are very community-oriented people. When we got married, our true wishes were to have our friends contribute to our wedding and our marriage in ways that they best knew how. We didn't need expensive presents, but just wanted them to share their love through friendship. We had friends offer their braun or creativity to help set up the wedding venue, and to do art projects beforehand that were showcased at the wedding. We had our friend as the master of ceremony, and another friend do a reading. We wanted it to be a close-knit, big family of all of our friends. And it was. It was fantastic.
Now that we are raising Linus, we feel the same way, and we want him to share in the value of community. By surrounding Linus with love, with people who are different and have different skills to share, we can teach him acceptance, sharing, compassion... I've always hated how the world is turning into a place where we breed fear instead of these values. If we are surrounded by our people, our kids can play in the park by themselves and learn to be independent. If we teach fear and isolation and teach our kids that they require constant supervision, what kind of world are we bringing to our children? We are all safer if we can look out for one another.
That was another digression that relates to parenting and not sleep. But, as far as sleep goes, entire families used to live in close quarters. It was natural for everyone to sleep together. Even my mom used to share a bed with her sister growing up. Over the past few hundred years, so much about both childbirth and about parenting have changed, First, men decided to butt their heads into childbirth and claim they knew what was right, even when they knew nothing about providing the comfort and compassion necessary to safely remove a child from a womb. Then, the patriarchs decided that they wanted their wives back to themselves as soon as she expelled the fetus from her body. Children were to be seen and not heard. Parents provided discipline and not compassion. These ideas have ebbed and flowed over the past few hundred years. You see it in the history of childbirth, and in the push to accept non-natural practices as the norm (e.g. formula feeding over breastfeeding when one has a choice in the matter).
Luckily, these days, science does have a bit of a say in most places in the world (not always the U.S. where the religious right seems to disagree with fact). The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees that breast is best for babies (though, not all mothers CAN breastfeed, so no judgement here if you don't), and while the hospital told us that safe sleep for babies involves a crib, our doctor said that our child should be in our room for the first 6 months and also laid out how to safely sleep with our child in bed with us if it was our chosen method of sleep (no blankets or pillows that can smother him, hard surface, etc.).
The art of safe child-rearing is constantly in flux. I was skimming a child development book from the mid-1990s that was quite outdated in some of its considerations. The first red flag was about how all newborns should go to sleep with bumpers in their cribs to avoid hitting their heads or getting stuck between the slats. Now-a-days, crib bumpers are a big no-no due to the possibility of suffocation. I believe the state of Illinois actually has banned their sale, and other states are considering the same. Similarly, the recommendation to share a bedroom with your child is now a big one because supposedly the risk of SIDS drops dramatically when babies are in a parents' bedroom, listening to their breathing and breathing along with them.
Safe bed-sharing one-ups room-sharing, in my opinion. I spent many nights where Linus slept on my chest for a few hours at a time. He slept better and longer and easier. He heard my heartbeat and felt my inhales and exhales. When he wasn't on my chest, my body was wrapped around his to protect him. And, I have always been aware of him -- I often wake up as he's waking him so he doesn't have to cry, or he only cries for a brief second before he realizes I'm right there. And I used to sleep like a rock for 8 hours every night! Haha, not anymore. Linus and I wake and sleep together. Well, we wake together. He often falls asleep way easier and more quickly than I do!
So, yes, I'm all for bed-sharing. It works for our family. It has worked throughout the history of humankind, and, before that, for many of our mammalian counterparts. It may not work for every family, and some babies may not even want to bed share. But, it took me a long, long time to feel normal in saying that, yes, we bedshare and, yes, we're so happy we do.
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