Some people think that a marriage comes first and parenting comes second.
I have to write about this because it's something I've seen a bit around the internet and it aggravates me every time I read anything that says something like that.
That's such a load of crap, and I think it's a horrible philosophy to have. Despite the fact that basic evolutionary biology tells us to put our kids first so they can survive and procreate, there are a number of basic human reasons that I can think of why kids come first.
Not everyone chose to parent. That's true. But many of us did -- whether it was via adoption, fostering children, fertility treatments, or just because we were able to get pregnant.
We chose to start families, and by doing so, we chose to raise the next generation of humankind. That's a huge freaking responsibility. Have you seen the news? There are religious extremist terrorists and assholes who just go shoot up schools and shopping malls these days. That's some effed up stuff that we are bringing out children into.
But it is our job to do our best. It's our job to try to ensure that our kids aren't those assholes. It's our job to teach our kids compassion and generosity and love and respect. It's our job to make the future a better place than the now is.
So I put my kid first. Because raising the next generation right is
that important. I can't think of anything that is more important than that, actually.
Someday my husband and I will die. And I hope my kids live on for many, many decades after that. And I hope they learn the morals I try to instill in them. And I hope they propagate those morals through everything they do -- maybe through raising their own family, being active in their community, or just being wonderful to the people they encounter on a daily basis. And hopefully those morals of kindness will get passed on and on and on and on.
So, my son comes first because my expectation is that I'm investing directly in about the next 100 years of humanity (and, indirectly, perhaps, in many centuries to come) by doing so. His actions and words will directly affect thousands of people over his lifetime if he's just some average Joe. If he's famous, that number could be millions. And, those actions and words may indirectly affect so many more people during and after his lifetime.
My relationship with my husband? That doesn't help humanity. That helps me. It is a selfish cause. And my relationship with my husband is important. But Jonathan and I both understand that our son is #1.
Now, sometimes, in order to make our son #1 for us, we have to take time away from him. We need to breathe, to decompress. We need to do this parenting stuff right. So we occasionally get a night out at dinner together. Or sometimes my husband can go and play ultimate frisbee with some guys. Or sometimes I can go shopping or to the gym. Because our mental health is important in order to be the best parents we can be.
And, my relationship with my husband is important for our son to see. We model respect and love and compassion and generosity for our son. He needs to know that we love and respect each other, so he can cultivate those within his relationships with friends and loved ones as he grows. So, we hold hands and embrace in front of him. We have family snuggle time on the couch with books. We tell each other that we love each other. We talk about how we feel about our lives right there in front of him.... so he can see what respectful and compassionate communication looks like.
The only argument that I've heard for people saying that husbands come before children is that kids eventually leave the house. True. They do. Or, at least, we hope they do! So, I agree that you have to keep the relationship with your spouse alive. But that's not a reason to put that ABOVE a relationship with your children. I still see that children are #1 (that whole -- we're raising humanity, not being selfish jerks thing). We can still make that relationship an important one. And we can still take time away from our kids to do adult things like have margaritas and go to museums.
But, when we choose to parent, we have the responsibility to raise the next generation of good quality citizens. That should never take the backseat to anything.
So, if you have a reason why husbands come before children that isn't "because kids leave the house", I would love to hear it.
As an addendum, and for the people who didn't choose to have children but did in some way or another: there are a lot of you who have stepped up anyway, to help raise your children so well and help shape them into wonderful souls. And I commend you for doing so. Kids need great role models! The single mommas and papas that I know, especially, you have such great patience and perseverance. And stepmoms and stepdads -- that's no joke! You have to forge relationships out of nothing! We're not always perfect. But we are doing what we can to do our best with the future.
Addendum 2: There are so many people who are displaced by violence in the Middle East. I was thinking about the number of families that are fleeing their homes in Syria. While they are fleeing to start a better life for their family, when it comes down to it, their kids always come first. Watching on the news the mobs of mothers carrying their infants and toddlers, and pushing back their fears to help urge their little ones to go on a little farther shows what parenthood is.
Parenthood means being the adult and putting ourselves second so that our children's
physical and emotional needs are met first and foremost. This, not only is blazing example of generosity that the children can carry with them throughout their lives, but also being the bigger person and helping to create a world of understanding for our little ones -- whether the little ones are fleeing war-torn countries or are safe in the living room of their 3000 sq ft home in the suburbs of Los Angeles.
