Ups and Downs

I can't even believe how my little guy has turned into such a big boy.  Over the last month or two, he's gotten all sorts of new physical skills.  He started crawling a bit ago, then started pulling himself up on everything. Now he's able to walk with assistance, including holding onto the wall and moving himself down the hallway.  He also figured out stairs a week or two ago.

Yesterday, my mom and I took him to the park and let him climb up the stairs so that we could slide down with him.

Here he is going up:

And coming down:

Bedsharing #3: Rearranging the bedroom

Bed-sharing has been great for us.  But, over the past month or two, Linus has started moving and a-shaking.  And that's made our bed-sharing experience a lot scarier!  Even in the middle of the night, in his sleep, he flips and twists and ends up in the weirdest places and positions!

We have a king-sized bed, and often I keep Linus on the outside of the bed.  My husband sleeps more soundly than I do, and he moves in his sleep.  I worry that he'll pull blankets over Linus's head accidentally.  So, I put Linus on the outside, and then pull the blankets way down after my body so he's nowhere near them.  

Our first investment for safe bed-sharing was a mesh toddler rail.  This has provided me with great peace of mind.  The only worry is that when Linus is awake, he likes to use it to bring himself to a standing position.  So, we've been learning what the word "No" means, and I describe to him why it is unsafe to do so and why I'm saying he can't do it.  He's figured it out and he doesn't do it anymore.  

Last weekend, we finally de-adult-ed our bedroom.  You see, my husband always said that you knew it was an adult bedroom because the bed was only against one wall.  We each had a nightstand.  The bed wasn't against two walls.  Well, last weekend we undid all of that.  We now have a bed in the corner of our room.  Linus sleeps closest to the wall, or sometimes in the middle of the bed.  The bed has a toddler mesh bed rail on the far side just in case.  And that bed no longer is on a bed frame.  We wanted to make it lower so if Linus managed to fall out, he wouldn't fall as far.  Plus, right now we have the dog bed at the foot of the bed, so if he does manage to fall out, he'll likely fall on that (or one of our dog's many cushy blankets...  seriously, this dog is pampered).

In the morning, I help Linus climb out of bed so hopefully he'll figure out the proper way to get down.  Right now, he still thinks that trying to go down the stairs head-first is a good idea, so hopefully he'll figure out soon that turning around to get out of bed is a better way.

Plus, now we can say good morning to the world right from our bed in the morning.  Here's Linus doing that:

It's only been a few days, but this is a much better bed-sharing arrangement.  I feel like we're safer and that Linus is less likely to dive head-first into danger at night.  I still won't leave him unattended in bed for naps or in the morning.  Instead of crying or talking loudly when he wakes up, now he goes to try to pet the cat or play with the blinds.  So, it's better if an adult is present for his waking up.

Bedsharing #2 - some philosophies and reviews and mostly just a lot of blabbering

My previous post discussed how we ended up exclusively bed-sharing.

Recently, I read the book Sweet Sleep, published by La Leche League. When talking about sleeping arrangements with a friend of mine, she suggested I read a variety of books to employ a multi-faceted philosophy that truly fits me best.  However, after reading the above book, I didn't need to read anymore.  That book really described how I feel about parenting, and what our family needs.  

Some people who have reviewed the book claim that it's not open-minded enough and that some babies and parents choose to sleep separately.  I agree.  Some babies are happy as clams in their own cribs.  And some parents just can't bedshare (this topic is covered in the book).  I've found that parenting books often tend to lean toward, "This is the right way to do things and all other ways are wrong," but I actually felt that Sweet Sleep wasn't very judgy compared to many other books I've seen.

The review I posted about Sweet Sleep on Goodreads is as follows:

I think each parent needs to figure their own parenting style out by reading the different sleep options. For me, I knew I would never bed share with my baby.... then he arrived and I realized that I am the kind of parent who, instead of making hard and fast decisions, lets my child teach me how he's comfortable. And, for my son, there's no way he was going to feel okay about sleeping alone in a crib. He wants to be loved, nurtured, and touched 24/7. I have friends whose children are vastly different and have been comfortable sleeping in their own beds since Day 1. 

That being said, I felt this book offered good tips and advice about bed sharing, and how to make it fit in with everyone's lifestyles. It was good for me to read when I did because my son has been going through some weird sleep patterns that have worn me down. The book made me feel good about my decision to bed share, and helped me keep a positive outlook on my own restlessness. I really began thinking about our family's needs as a unit and as individuals, and I'm so glad we can experience this period of closeness. Someday my little guy will want his own space and he'll slowly push me away, but I will always cherish our nighttime cuddles and morning playtime as we're waking up. 

Thanks to La Leche League for publishing a fine work on attachment parenting. It may not be every mother's style, but it's mine, and it's so nice to know that what feels right is also normal.

Attachment parenting has been just the way I do things naturally, it seems.  I didn't even know there was a term for it for many months -- I just went about motherhood in a manner that kept everyone the happiest.  Linus has always been in my arms, or strapped on me in my Ergo carrier.  Even today, at 9 months old, he constantly wants to be with me so I've found that putting him in my Maya Wrap or Ergo when I'm trying to make dinner or clean the house is often the easiest way to get things done.

Though he'll sleep in his stroller or sometimes in his swing, Linus still takes naps in my arms every single day.  It used to bother me that I couldn't get anything done during his naps.  More recently, my mind has changed.  I use his naps as times to read, listen to music, relax on the couch, check my email, and surf the web.  It is now my excuse for not getting more done.  "Yeah, I couldn't vacuum and take the garbage out, Linus took a 2 hour nap today!"  It's wonderful how a simple way to re-view a situation makes everything more relaxed.  Yes, this is a time for me to just veg out.

Oh yes, Linus is currently napping in my arms as I type this, and our dog Max is snuggled up with us, too.

I digress...

I always felt strange saying to people, "No, our son doesn't have a crib.  Yes, he sleeps with us every night.  Oh, I didn't bother using a stroller until he was close to 6 months old because I always carried him."  Because, in the modern world, babies sleep in cribs.  They sleep alone all night.  Who doesn't have a crib?  I felt that they were judging me.  And maybe they were.  But, why should I be embarrassed?  Hey, I'm a first-time mom.  I'm doing my best to read my son's cues.  He can't talk to tell me what makes him happy, so all I can do is play around with what seems to keep him content.  Being close to me has always been the one thing that seems to make him the happiest.  Maybe he's a sensitive kid.  That's okay.  Maybe he'll always be a mama's boy, and maybe it's just temporary.  No matter what, I'm doing what feels right.

I think about the history of people. Families used to be so close. Entire families in small dwellings.  Entire communities pitched in to help each other out.

The African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child," really speaks to me.  Both my husband and I are very community-oriented people.  When we got married, our true wishes were to have our friends contribute to our wedding and our marriage in ways that they best knew how.  We didn't need expensive presents, but just wanted them to share their love through friendship.  We had friends offer their braun or creativity to help set up the wedding venue, and to do art projects beforehand that were showcased at the wedding.  We had our friend as the master of ceremony, and another friend do a reading.  We wanted it to be a close-knit, big family of all of our friends.  And it was.  It was fantastic.

Now that we are raising Linus, we feel the same way, and we want him to share in the value of community.  By surrounding Linus with love, with people who are different and have different skills to share, we can teach him acceptance, sharing, compassion...  I've always hated how the world is turning into a place where we breed fear instead of these values.  If we are surrounded by our people, our kids can play in the park by themselves and learn to be independent.  If we teach fear and isolation and teach our kids that they require constant supervision, what kind of world are we bringing to our children?  We are all safer if we can look out for one another.

That was another digression that relates to parenting and not sleep.  But, as far as sleep goes, entire families used to live in close quarters. It was natural for everyone to sleep together.  Even my mom used to share a bed with her sister growing up.  Over the past few hundred years, so much about both childbirth and about parenting have changed,  First, men decided to butt their heads into childbirth and claim they knew what was right, even when they knew nothing about providing the comfort and compassion necessary to safely remove a child from a womb.  Then, the patriarchs decided that they wanted their wives back to themselves as soon as she expelled the fetus from her body.  Children were to be seen and not heard.  Parents provided discipline and not compassion.  These ideas have ebbed and flowed over the past few hundred years.  You see it in the history of childbirth, and in the push to accept non-natural practices as the norm (e.g. formula feeding over breastfeeding when one has a choice in the matter).

Luckily, these days, science does have a bit of a say in most places in the world (not always the U.S. where the religious right seems to disagree with fact).  The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees that breast is best for babies (though, not all mothers CAN breastfeed, so no judgement here if you don't), and while the hospital told us that safe sleep for babies involves a crib, our doctor said that our child should be in our room for the first 6 months and also laid out how to safely sleep with our child in bed with us if it was our chosen method of sleep (no blankets or pillows that can smother him, hard surface, etc.).

The art of safe child-rearing is constantly in flux. I was skimming a child development book from the mid-1990s that was quite outdated in some of its considerations.  The first red flag was about how all newborns should go to sleep with bumpers in their cribs to avoid hitting their heads or getting stuck between the slats.  Now-a-days, crib bumpers are a big no-no due to the possibility of suffocation.  I believe the state of Illinois actually has banned their sale, and other states are considering the same.  Similarly, the recommendation to share a bedroom with your child is now a big one because supposedly the risk of SIDS drops dramatically when babies are in a parents' bedroom, listening to their breathing and breathing along with them.

Safe bed-sharing one-ups room-sharing, in my opinion.  I spent many nights where Linus slept on my chest for a few hours at a time.  He slept better and longer and easier.  He heard my heartbeat and felt my inhales and exhales.  When he wasn't on my chest, my body was wrapped around his to protect him.  And, I have always been aware of him -- I often wake up as he's waking him so he doesn't have to cry, or he only cries for a brief second before he realizes I'm right there.  And I used to sleep like a rock for 8 hours every night!  Haha, not anymore.  Linus and I wake and sleep together.  Well, we wake together.  He often falls asleep way easier and more quickly than I do!

So, yes, I'm all for bed-sharing.  It works for our family.  It has worked throughout the history of humankind, and, before that, for many of our mammalian counterparts.  It may not work for every family, and some babies may not even want to bed share.  But, it took me a long, long time to feel normal in saying that, yes, we bedshare and, yes, we're so happy we do.

Bed-sharing #1: How our family bed came to be

Linus started sleeping in our bed basically since we brought him home from the hospital.  In the beginning, I was adamantly against having him sleep with us because of all of the accidental baby smotherings you hear about in the news.  We had our Baby Bjorn cradle,with the mesh sides so he couldn't smother himself accidentally, set up right next to our bed.  That's where he spent the majority of his nighttime sleep during his first 3.5 months of life.  But, around 5:00 a.m. or so, I'd pull him into bed to nurse him and we'd be there for the last few hours of our nighttime sleep.

Of course, I say "nighttime sleep" because he slept off-and-on around the clock for the first many weeks of his life.  But, I thought it was a good compromise, and, for the most part, Linus slept pretty well in his cradle, as long as we put him there after he had fallen soundly asleep.  

But, he quickly outgrew the cradle.  Turns out, he's a big kid!  Here's him at 3 months old in that same cradle:

When he was 3.5 months old, we went to visit our families in the Midwest.  When we came back, I figured we could move him to the Pack 'n' Play in our room.  He'd spent the previous couple of weeks sleeping in Pack 'n' Plays so it shouldn't be an issue, right?  Wrong.

I remember being patient about the transition and giving it a week. Sometimes we could get him to fall asleep soundly enough that if we transferred him to the Pack 'n' Play, he'd stay asleep.  Other times, he'd cry and cry and I'd follow the advice of others and just let him do that.... until, 3 hours later when he was crying even harder and I wanted to go to bed.

I remember the night that I gave up trying to get him to sleep on his own.  It was a Sunday night and I had to work the next day.  I'd gotten him to sleep in my arms and tried the transfer to the Pack'n'Play.  I'd done it about 5 times.  It was now 3 hours past when I had intended on going to sleep.  I was exhausted and I knew I had to get up early the next morning.  So I looked at him and said, "You win."  And after that, I never even bothered trying again.  From that night forward, he slept exclusively in our bed.  And, quite frankly, even though I think I wake up more frequently than (breastfeeding) moms whose babies are in cribs, I still think I sleep more and sleep better.

At times, I've regretted not sleep training him.  It's always on the days that follow the extremely difficult nights where he wakes up nearly every hour to nurse and I'm exhausted and living on coffee and green tea the following day.  But, those times are fleeting.   Once, I called my cousin's wife, nearly in tears, because I was hoping she had some magical solution or at least some ideas for what would help napping and sleeping.  It turns out that she didn't have any magical ideas, but she could relate completely to everything I was going through.

Truthfully, every day that we wake up together and get to play in bed in the morning sunlight, and every night when we fall asleep together as he nurses, and every time he shifts over in bed so he's snuggling next to my husband, or even the times when he's laying across us at weird positions, I'm ever-so-grateful to have kept our bedsharing arrangement.  I know that someday he'll have his big kid friends and go to sleepovers and not want much to do with his parents aside from a few dollars to see a movie, and I hope that when I'm feeling rejected on those days that I can remember all these wonderful moments we shared, snuggling close and keeping each other warm and comfortable.  As much as I want to say that I look forward to it, it's going to be hard when he decides he wants his own room and his own bed.  

Every child and their parents needs to make their own decision on what sleeping arrangement is best for their family.  For us, it's best to have Linus with us in our room and in our bed.  Everyone is most comfortable that way.  When Linus is fast asleep, he reaches for me and immediately settles once he finds me.  For me, I can touch his belly in the middle of the night or listen for his breath just to make sure all is still well.  And, for Jon, he's probably just happy because the rest of us are, but I also know he enjoys snuggling up to Linus at night and providing comfort to him or a helping hand to me when he can.

To sleep, perchance to dream

We've been having some sleep issues lately.

Scratch that....

I have been having some sleep issues lately.

Linus manages to get the sleep he needs.  It's Mom that suffers.  And not even Dad -- Dad manages to sleep through most of Linus's wakings.

Linus sleeps with us, so every time he wakes up, he wakes me up, too.  Some nights, we're A-OK.  We wake up maybe twice.  Other nights, it's more frequent.

Earlier this week, I had a night where he woke me up nearly every hour.  I was fried the next day and in no shape to actually try to parent.  But, being the stay at home mother I now am, I don't have anyone to hand him off to during the days.  While he was peppy and rearing to go, I just wanted to crash out, by myself, for hours.

I called my cousin's wife, Laura, in a fit of panic.  They cosleep with their daughter who is nearing 2.  I figured that she would have some fantastic advice.  "Do this.  Try this.  This totally worked for us."

It turns out, no.  She was very understanding and sweet, and said she went through all of the same stuff.  It was at least so nice to have someone who understood what I was going through and was willing to listen to me for a few minutes.

I also checked out a lovely book from the library.  Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and Naptime Strategies for the Breastfeeding Family by La Leche League.  This is a book I've been meaning to pick up since it came out a few months ago.  I'm so, so glad I finally started reading it.

I walked to the library yesterday to grab the book, which I had on hold.  It was high time for a nap for Linus, so he fell asleep peacefully in his stroller on the rainy walk there, so I sat in the library for an hour reading.  It was awesome.  I mean the sitting in the library being able to read a book that I wanted for an entire hour part.  The book is great, too, but just having some time to run an errand for me, and take some time where I don't have to think about my child because he's sleeping.  Yes, wonderful.

I skipped ahead to the chapter on his developmental stage (4 months to toddler, which seems like a huge range, but they broke it into smaller segments within the chapter).  It made me feel great to read it.  Kids at this age start to have funny sleep patterns.  They're starting to learn crazy new tricks -- crawling and walking, and those new things actually keep them awake at night.  Also, the teething thing keeps babies awake, and I think Linus's gums have been bugging him a bit lately because he's been chewing on everything.  I've also noticed with Linus that as he learned to crawl and move confidently, he moves more in his sleep and I think this wakes him up.

The thing is, I agree with La Leche League philosophy.  I do.  It is the way that I want to parent -- hands on, attachment parenting, where mom and baby are a unit who grow together.  It's the natural way of parenting for me, and I think it takes a lessons from cultures all over the world who raise their children right around them, keeping them within their lifestyle instead of having an adult life one place and having a kid-friendly life somewhere else.  The mom-child bond is a symbiotic relationship in many ways: we find comfort in each other and find many of our needs can be met by each other.    Linus is starting to grow and become more independent, but he always comes back to Mom.  And it's so, so awesome to watching him as he's growing and developing.

As far as sleep is concerned, I learned a long time ago that I just can't let him cry it out, like some parents do.  And even the parents who follow the guide about going in to comfort their child every 15 minutes or half hour, to get the kids to sleep on their own... well, that's not me either.  Linus doesn't need to sit there and cry for hours at a time for days on end just to teach him that he needs to suck it up and learn to adapt to being alone in this world.  Not my kid.  I can handle a few sleepless night if it means ensuring he feels comfortable and safe.  That is my goal as a mother: to ensure my kid knows that his family is always here for him.  I can do it now, physically.  When he's in college, I hope he knows he can pick up the phone any time he's feeling lonely or sad or stressed out, or if he's in trouble.

And I get it -- that last paragraph isn't meant to say that other moms are doing it wrong if they let their kid cry it out for a week to teach them to sleep on their own.  Everyone subscribes to different parenting philosophies.  You can read tons of books and get different opinions on what's "right", but in the end, you follow the philosophy that matches what you already know and believe.  I know what feels right to my family.  Others can make their own decisions about what's right for their families.  And, on days when I'm so, so tired that I can barely function, I will envy those parents who taught their kids to sleep on their own.  But, I love having Linus in my bed, snuggling close to me at night.  If I'm worried about him, all I have to do is reach over and touch him to know he's breathing.  Sometimes he seems to have bad dreams, and I can comfort him without even waking him up.  It's the way I enjoy doing it.

For me, my family are my peeps.  First, it was Jonathan and I and we easily braided our lives together and incorporated each other into everything. -- even when we set out to do something as individuals, we always came back to share it with the other person.  We are partners and we get excited for each other, we prop each other up, we act as cheerleaders or therapists or just a listening ear or embracing set of arms for each other  Now, we've added Linus: another colorful string in our weave of life.  He comes out to dinner with us if we go out, and we take him out hiking.  Sure, we don't do "adult" things very often right now, but soon he'll be old enough to go to music and cultural events, and I'm so excited to share the world with him and make it fun for him.  Who says an art museum can't be a place to learn about Monet and hide-and-go-seek?

I guess, at the end of this, I need to remember...  all of these stages happen so quickly.  Right now, he naps in my arms and I can slow down my life and sit on the couch and enjoy it.  Eventually, he'll only want to be running around with his friends.  And, as he grows and advances to those stages, I can at least be glad that I had so many wonderful hours of snuggling my little baby boy, and giving him all the love and closeness in the world.

Superbowl Sunday

This is my Superbowl post.

Linus was born in Olympia, WA.  That makes us Seahawks fans.  12th Man.  All of that.

And Linus is adorable.