Walking on Sunshine

I have a baby and I have a dog.

For a long time, I was exclusively baby-carrying the baby, which made dog-walking pretty easy.  I had my Ergo on and we were ready to go.  Plus, we lived in Olympia, WA where our dog could run free through the forested trails, so I often didn't have to worry about leashing him.

Then we moved to California.  The leash laws seem much stricter here.  Probably because the population density is a gazillion times more here and, while there are some open spaces, they're not contained by wooded borders -- they're actually much more open.

We lucked out and have a dog park about a half mile from our place in Cali, at least, but this still means that the dog is leashed during all of our walks around town.

Plus, the baby has gotten so big that it's become harder to carry him for long distances, so I've started using the stroller for many of our walks.

Working with a leash and a stroller is not easy.  My mom was using our extend-o leash: the one that can go up to 25' long, but I've always hated carrying that one because the plastic handle is not comfortable.  Plus, you still have to have one hand on the stroller and one on the leash.

So, the research question is: What is the right way to walk the stroller and Max (who pulls) around town?  I've been conducting my experiments and I've finally found a great way to do it.  One that leads to a happy dog, a happy baby, and a happy mom.

The answer is two-fold.

1. Harness.  Since the dog doesn't heel, and, instead, pulls and pulls and pulls, the right harness is clutch.  The answer for us was the Easy Walk Harness.
   
   We had done the Gentle Leader for quite some time, but Max would pull hard enough that it would leave marks on his face if we did a long walk, so a dog trainer at our local dog park suggested the Easy Walk.  The key to our Easy Walk was thought up and executed by my mom, who is fantastic in every way.  She took a piece of foam and wrapped it around the part of the harness that goes underneath the dog, so that he wouldn't get red marks on his underside if he pulls too hard.
   
   Yes, Max still pulls.  It seems that no matter what product we try, he pulls.  But he pulls in a manageable way.  It's not so hard it's going to knock me over.  I can control him.
   
   
2. Leash.  I was talking to an avid runner while visiting the dog park one day and she was telling me about her running leash.  Of course they make a hands-free leash!  Why haven't I seen these in the stores?  So, I ran home and checked Amazon and found a fantastic leash that straps around my waist.  
   
   I purchased The Buddy System, which is really convenient because of its versatility.  For Max, I use the Buddy System with the Lunge Buster.  We also purchased the Extend-A-Buddy for hiking, or any time there are 2 adults walking with a dog and a baby.  But, with the Buddy System, I was able to find the right length where Max can stride right next to the stroller.    
   
   The bonus of using the waist-leash is that when I go somewhere, I can easily affix the waist part of the leash around a pole.  This has been useful at the playground and the post office.  So Max can hang out near us, but not immediately next to us.

So, it took a little bit of time, but we finally found a great system for walking around town with a stroller and a dog, and I'd highly suggest these for other moms who are trying to wrangle babies and dogs simultaneously.

Practicing patience

Motherhood is so interesting.  It is a brand new phase in life in which I'm developing and redeveloping so many skills.  

It's an evolution of self in so many ways.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot is patience.  Patience is something I've never had a lot of.  When I think of something I want or want to do, I research and buy it or I go out and do it.  RIGHT AWAY.  There is no waiting.

I once decided to disrupt my lovely, stable life in a state I had never left, where I had a career and plenty of money to run off to grad school in another state, thus rendering me fairly penniless (or at least $60k in debt from student loans for my MPH program).  The whole decision period took about 3 days, and that was only because I was deciding between going to Michigan or New Orleans.  

I certainly don't regret that decision because it landed me where I am today: with a loving husband and amazing son, with skills and expertise I wanted to gain, in a whole different state that's warm and has flowers blooming all the time.

But, motherhood, unfortunately, doesn't really allow for those sorts of abrupt transitions.  Motherhood requires a great deal of patience.  Patience that needs to grow and change as your children do.  

My first lessons in patience were when Linus was about 6 or 8 weeks old and had a series of nights where he was in tears for hours because of bad gas pain.  Before that, we could always figure out what was bothering him -- he was hungry, tired, or his diaper was wet.  But, when the week or two of gas pains came, we had no idea what they were.  So we did what we knew how to do best: love him.  I'd walk him around the house and sing to him and rock him in my arms.  Eventually, the screams would wear on me and I'd pass him to Jon who would do the same.  We'd pass him back and forth between us until, eventually, he'd finally get some sort of huge burp up that usually involved a bunch of spit up, oftentimes coming out his nose because there was just so darn much of it.  Almost immediately thereafter, he'd stop crying and things would be fine.

That was easy -- he was a poor helpless baby in pain.  While a screaming baby isn't easy to have right next to your ears for hours on end, it's still not so bad because you understand that this dependent child can't do anything to ease his pain and it's completely up to you to take care of him.

As the months passed, though, the need for patience has grown.  More recently, Linus has been going through the whole object permanence phase.  For those of you who may not know, around 9 months of age, babies figure out that you exist even when you're not directly in front of them.  Before that, if things left their sight, it was basically as if those objects didn't exist.  But, at 9 months or so, they figure out that when you take something away, it's still available somewhere in the world and they just have to find it.  This is the time of their lives when they become SUPER clingy.

I had a hard enough time adjusting to having a puppy who always followed me around.  But, the baby thing has been a little harder.  There are times during my day when I just need to get something done, and that usually involves, say, walking to the laundry room, or grabbing the vacuum from the garage, or taking the garbage outside. The hardest thing seems to be making dinner, though, because that often comes at the point of the day when Linus is sleepy.  And when he's sleepy, he's extra needy.  So, cooking dinner often means that I have a baby in my arms while trying not to splatter hot oil on either of us while stirring something on the stove.  Or the baby is grabbing my leg while I'm trying to move around the kitchen to chop vegetables and wash dishes.  It gets quite complicated and can result in overdone food.  

So, with this phase of his life, I've really been thinking about my need to stretch my patience.  There are times during my day when the dog is doing something obnoxious and the baby is crying and I need to get 8 things done and we're going to be late to something and I'm at the end of my rope.  Well, of course, stressing out or yelling or anything like that doesn't improve the situation.  It just makes the dog more annoying and the baby cry harder.  So, I've really noticed times when I feel the stress level rise and I've had to really step back and take a number of deep breaths to be able to functionally deal with everyone's demands.  

Earlier, I mentioned transitions and how motherhood is no longer a time for abrupt transitions.  That also comes into play now.  Linus is a sensitive kid in a lot of ways.  He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways -- he's willing to explore new situations and try new things, but he has to do it on his own terms.  And right now I am his safety net.  So, he needs gentle transitions as he's going about his day.  This means that it takes him 15 minutes to warm up to his jovial-self and get comfortable with the world when he wakes up from a nap.  And it may take him a great deal of time to smile at, much less be held by, new people (including people he doesn't see daily).  

I am slowly learning to expand my levels of patience to accommodate Linus and make him as comfortable and secure as I can.  And this is something that we will be constantly working on.  As he grows up, he may get himself into situations that make it tough for me to understand why he would have undertaken them.  For instance, I recall a time when my then high-school-aged cousin and her friends got their car stuck in a ditch in the middle of the night on a cold, wet December night right before her family was leaving for Jamaica early the next morning.  they did all they could to try to resolve the situation before calling her dad at 3am, but her dad had to go help them out and didn't get much sleep.  All-in-all, things turned out fine for everyone and it was something to laugh about later.  Oh, teenagers.  

But, I just don't know what kind of things Linus will get into.  He's a boy and he's already proving to be a bit of a trouble-maker.  He's climbing stairs every chance he gets, and he makes a break for the outdoors every time the door opens. And, while he's very clingy and dependent right now, he won't always be.  The best we can do is love hm and teach him all we know.  But, getting a verbal lesson is very different from experiencing it yourself.  You always learn best when you make your own mistakes. 

That being said, I hope Linus makes a lot of mistakes.  I hope he fails at things during his life.  I hope he lives dangerously enough to push the boundaries of his comfort zone.  Because he will learn an infinite number of important lessons from doing so.  And, while he's making his mistakes, I may have to take a few deep breaths sometimes, or leave the room, or whatnot, but I hope to give him the patience, love, and support he needs to develop into a smart young man who gains worldly insight through living life.  

A moment alone

I'll be honest: when I need to shower or something when my husband's home, I almost always take an extra 5 minutes to stretch out on the bed by myself, enjoy the silence, and find bliss in the solitude.   

But the moment usually ends abruptly when I hear a wailing child downstairs.

Weighing in

One thing I've noticed that many first time moms of babies who I've met have in common is that we're all obsessed with our weight.  "Obsessed" isn't the right word....  More that it's something we think about.

I met a mom today at library storytime and one thing she mentioned during our conversation is that she still hasn't lost all her baby weight.  This is something my friends in Olympia and I used to discuss frequently too.

I, too, haven't lost all my baby weight.  Well, I've managed to lose most of it due to a lifestyle rich in walking and not sitting at a desk all day anymore, but my weight is certainly distributed differently than it used to be.  I used to have abs of steel and now they're a bit flabby.  My thighs are a little bigger.  Things like that.  I notice, but I'm trying harder not to.

One thing I want to tell you, mama: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thing is, we don't really have time to go to the gym.  We'd all love some free time, some time to spend by ourselves.  But now we have these little people who depend on us.  And, no, our partners are often a distant second to the ones known as mom.  Especially kids who are at the 8 or 9 month and up phase of object permanence -- it's mama-mama-mama 100% of the time.  I make dinner with a little one holding onto my leg.  Sometimes, I can sneak out of the room if my husband is around to distract him, but if he hears my voice, or catches a glimpse of me as I walk by on my way to the laundry room, it's over.  There will be tears.  There will be a baby crawling as fast as possible in my general direction.  There's just no one like mama.

Let's go back a few steps though and get back to this weight thing.  I gained 50 lbs while I was pregnant.  Okay, it was more than that.  At the end, I weighed more than my husband.  My face was swollen.  My feet were swollen.  I was an uncomfortable mess.  After I delivered my son, who was 7 lbs 10 oz, I lost all of like 10 lbs.  Maybe 15.  It really wasn't much.  I went in for his pediatrician appointment a couple days after coming home from the hospital and someone asked me how pregnant I was.  Yeah, just delivered.  Ugh.

I felt pretty yucky about my body.  I was used to looking pretty good without trying much.  Thank you, genetics!  But, ugh, I looked horrible for a long, long time.  On the plus side, no one is expected to leave their house for like 6 weeks after they give birth.  I went to the library when my son was 8 weeks old and another momma there said, "Wow, only 8 weeks old and you're already leaving the house?!  Go you!"

I wore my husband's shorts all summer long.  I looked ridiculous.  But I didn't really have clothes that fit me.  Maternity clothes don't fit right when you're not pregnant, so those were only half an option and the other mediocre option was wearing my husband's clothes.

I slowly shed a few pounds here and there.

People would tell me things like, "Oh, you're breastfeeding so you should lose it all really quickly!"  Haha.  Silly.  I might be breastfeeding and that burns calories, but I also have to eat a lot more to have nutrients for two people.  Seriously.  My son is 9 1/2 months and I can still eat a lot.

Some people run right back to the gym the second they give birth.  Good for you ladies.  Man, I don't have the energy for that.  Plus, I haven't been away from my son for longer than about an hour in the last 2 months.  And when he was really little, I couldn't imagine just leaving him with anyone.  I had to nurse that kid, and he frequently and consumed a lot.  On my birthday, 2 weeks after he was born, I drank a cup of coffee by myself and left Linus with my mother-in-law and my husband.  That was maybe about an hour of downtime.

I'm not sure what I would have done with him if I were trying to go to the gym on a regular basis.  We don't have family who lives in town.  It's pretty much just the three of us -- my husband, myself, and Baby Linus.  So, I'm not going to pay someone $20/hour to watch my baby just so I can go to zumba class.

Now-a-days, I don't have as much of an excuse.  Linus is old enough that they will watch him at most gym childcare centers.  I know that the YMCA in the next town over offers childcare for free with membership, and I've been thinking about joining to utilize that service and have that hour of alone time.  But, even still, our lives are a whirlwind of chaos.  We aren't one of those families that has a nap and feeding structure for our child.  When he's tired, he sleeps, and he sleeps for however long he wants to.  When he's hungry, he eats, and he eats however much he needs.  So, with the price of everything being so insanely high in California, I want to make sure that I will actually use the Y facilities often enough to make it worthwhile to pay the fees.  As of now, I'm not sure I'd bother making it there more than like twice a week.  Yipes.

So, I get it, mommas.  It's been 3 months....6 months.... 10 months.... maybe even 18 or more months since you gave birth and you haven't lost that baby weight.  It's cool.  Someday, you'll have time to be yourself again.  Right now, you are someone else's whole world.  Forget about those extra few pounds and go treat yourself to some new jeans (with spandex so they're comfy!), and a few new shirts and feel good about your body.  Your body's purpose is for rolling around on the floor and carrying a kid on your hip and catching your little one when they start to tumble.  Your body's purpose is to love that little one with all of it.  Someday, that little one will make a few friends and go to birthday parties and summer camps.  Maybe then you can find some time to get your nails done and go to yoga.  Be proud of yourself for being a momma, and try to stop feeling the pressures to look a certain way.  Heck, if you get a shower in today, you should be proud of yourself!